Winning a conversation is not about getting what you want – it’s about making the other person feel heard.

Yesterday, a friend told me about his interaction with his coach. After a weekend competition, driving back to Ann Arbor the team wanted to get dinner.

They had competed hard the past 3 days and were exhausted.

But, the coach did not allow him to spend the team’s money for 2 meals in 1 day.

Regardless, the players were tired and deserved it.

So, they stopped and had a nice meal.

The day after, the coach texted my friend in rage. Didn’t I tell you not to spend on 2 meals in 1 day?

The coach had not traveled to the competition. He did not know the level of exhaustion in the players.

Like any logical person – as the captain, I would be frustrated with the coach. It’s normal.

But, after a few hours, my friend responded. You’re right. We shouldn’t have had that extra meal.

Similarly, yesterday I got a pesky response from a president of a club at a school I was reaching out to. He called out the imperfections in my email.

To which I responded. No worries, and thanks for the heads up. Have a nice day!

What did they expect to hear? In both cases, they expected us to defend ourselves.

To say that we were right and they were wrong.

But, knowing that we cannot convince anybody of their existing beliefs, we did the next logical thing.

Play into their existing beliefs.

If they were angry about our efforts and outreach. So be it.

The funny thing we both agreed on is that we felt like we won by sending a message that reinforced their point.

Even though we admitted it was our fault and that they were right. We won. The people arguing got what they wanted. And, probably would have reconsidered their initial emotional response.

Bottom-line? You don’t win by getting what you want to hear. You win when you give the other person what they want to hear. It’s about being the bigger person.